On self-love, new frontiers, toddlerhood, and finding strength in grief.
I started this year with a promise to be more kind to myself. Motherhood has left me awestruck since the beginning as I watch more of myself unfold throughout this whole year. I came into 2019 feeling hopeful and optimistic — I came out quite bruised but still standing with a braver outlook for the new decade. Here's what 2019 was like.
I'm finally—officially—back to blogging.
This year, I had tons of ideas lined up for Sleepless Momma. I carried on with my Cover Momma project - a full-length write-up on a featured celebrity mom - and started the year listing down content ideas that will run for the entire year. I finally got the hang of niche blogging and the pace of my monthly production wasn't so bad even on very busy months; also considering I'm doing this alongside a full-time 10-hour day job. Though I wasn't able to purchase the domain as planned, at least I was able to populate the blog with articles that are completely reflective of who I am as a mother and a writer.
I left my telco job of 5 years this year and moved on to retail.
I loved working at a telco. I loved my colleagues and I loved the work environment I was in daily. But I've been caught in certain circumstances along the way that made me reevaluate my plans and the career path I initially set for myself. And as part of being more kind to myself, I listened to my instincts this year and went after an opportunity that allowed me to open my wings further and take on greater heights.
This year, I accepted the challenge of leading the website team of the retail arm of a popular mall conglomerate in the Philippines—we've got it all for you! I was overwhelmed at the amount of adjustment I had to make—retail and telco are apparently two very different worlds—but I strived to survive my first 4 weeks, and here I am, three months in and convinced I'm where I'm meant to be.
It was very important for me to find that sense of fulfillment and accomplishment at work. I was very happy with my previous company and I had awesome friends there, but I have come to realize that my aspirations go further than good friendships and an amazing work environment. I need to feel valued at what I do and I strongly felt the need to step up as I'm not a novice in this industry anymore.
I feel like it's also important that my son sees that sense of purpose and drive in me so he grows up knowing that women are strong, talented, go-getters who belong at the top of org charts and won't settle for anything less than what they deserve.
I have a toddler now—who still, won't quit the boob.
For what seemed like an overnight growth, my baby - who used to fit in my arms - is now a toddler, who I can barely carry for 2 minutes. These days, I find myself regularly running after him and reasoning with him about mundane stuff. He just learned the word "no," and surprisingly, already knows how to use it to his advantage 😱 He turned two last October and all of a sudden, he has so much to say!
I'm a full-on mother now who's first and last thoughts daily revolve around whether my kids are alright and what else I can do to make sure they're always gonna be okay. I am in a total emotional wreck lately and part of it was trying to make sense of how quickly Mason is growing up. I miss my little chubby Peanut, who used to be so contented sitting in his walker and watching mommy sing along to nursery rhymes on TV. I miss being able to carry him all the time, because now he's too heavy and restless to stay in my arms. He's my little monkey-tornado. I realized one of the hardest things about motherhood is watching all these sweet, little moments come and go. But I also learned that every stage has its own highlight—this point of toddlerhood for us would be having a silly chatterbox every day. I love our conversations. I am amazed at the person my son is becoming every day, and I still can't believe I made him!
And oh yeah we're still breastfeeding! There are moments when I feel like my boobs are already crying for help but as long as we both don't feel the natural urge to wean, I won't force it.
I lost 2 of my kids this year—2 weeks apart.
From being a mother of 4 (3 furballs and 1 human baby), I am now down to 2 kids. From having a handful of kids, my arms now feel empty with just 2. To be honest, I'm still at a loss as I'm not used to having just 2 kids. I'm used to having my hands full with all 4 of my children—I mean, it does get exhausting, but I love being tired from taking care of them because I love them with all my heart and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Jarvis Rex Feb 8, 2015 - Oct 7, 2019 | Raptor Scott Mar 16, 2016 - Oct 23, 2019
Losing children (with or without fur) hits you like ton of bricks—and at some point, you'll just want to stay knocked down forever. It's on another level when you're a mom. Jarvis was my healthiest furbaby. He was my alpha. He was chubby but very energetic and was also the smartest of my 3 furchildren. Then all of a sudden he was confined at the vet with an inexplicable auto-immune condition. I will never be prepared to see my children go, but losing Jarvis was the worst plot-twist of my life so far. He was the light of my life. I am still a mess today, and I don't know for how much longer, but I just feel like I will never get over losing my soul animal.
"Losing Jarvis [was] an excruciating process where I ended up ultimately convinced that there's something beyond this life—there has to be. Because that's the only promise I could hold on to that tells me I get to be with my baby again someday." Jarvis Rex Parafina: An Ode to the Goodest Boi
Scott, on the other hand, has always had this blood condition. It was the same condition that almost took him when he was 3 months old. I knew we'll have to battle this condition together as he grows old but I never imagined losing him this soon. I've always felt so strongly that all 3 of my furchildren were meant to be mine—most especially Scotty. I had to save him at all cost, but ultimately, he ended up saving me. He saved me from the fear of giving too much of myself, of loving too much. I love Scott so much it felt like a leap of faith because I knew that no matter what I do, I will outlive him—and it will hurt to see him cross over. But I loved him anyway and gave it all I have. Because that's exactly what Scott deserved—the best of me. But why does it have to be this soon? And why do they have to leave 2 weeks apart? I still grapple with confusion and anger in my heart, but I am taking it day by day. I find peace in knowing that behind all this pain is so much love. Jarvis and Scott loved me more than they loved themselves, and I loved them just the same—they meant the world to me.
"Scott, you were the light of mommy's heart for 3 years. Now that you're off to the rainbow bridge with Kuya Jarvis, it's just so dark all over and mommy's terrified. But mommy's gonna keep fighting just as how you fought to be with me when you were little ♡ Mommy's love for you is bigger than all this space between us, baby. We'll see each other again." 20 Things I Love About Scott
This is perhaps my greatest realization as a furmom. We can love our furchildren as much as we can, we can give them the world; but there are just some things that are unique to their lives as canines. There are conditions that are way too complicated for their bodies to endure.
Loving dogs is embracing your fate of inevitable heartaches, because no matter what you do, you'll have to watch them go over the rainbow bridge at one point.
I now spend most of my days focusing on my remaining children, who for some reason have become more sensitive, loving, and clingy 😊 I am not complaining. Life is too short. I will cling on to my children as much as they want me to.
Oh, and I also lost my gallbladder this year.
I never thought I'll be back in the hospital just 2 years after giving birth to Mason. I was never the type who always gets hospitalized for any reason, so hearing the doctor's order to have me admitted for gallbladder surgery scared the living sh*t out of me.
"When I heard my primary care doctor mention surgery, I was all like are you kidding me? Surgeries freak the hell out of me. It's my greatest fear in the world. But it gradually dawned on me that having this surgery would also mean having to stay in the hospital for a couple of days; which meant 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep; not having to make the bed every morning; I can watch Designated Survivor as much as I wanted to without feeling guilty; which also meant people looking after me for a change, and warm food coming in regularly, and me eating without having to leave the bed." I had to be hospitalized so I could catch a break.
Looking back, I'm just thankful my gallbladder didn't rupture inside of me and didn't kill me because I cannot imagine not being able to care for my kids. Looking back, it may not have been the most ideal of scenarios, but I am grateful for that unexpected but very much needed 3 days - 2 nights excursion in the hospital. Also for my gallbladder, thank you for your service ♡
I came into 2019 feeling optimistic AF. Here I am going into 2020 like a total emotional mess and all I can say is—it's okay. It's okay to find happiness in a hobby no matter how busy you are with work and domestic life. It's okay to admit you're not finding enough fulfillment in a job you nonetheless love. It's okay to be emotional watching your children grow up and wish they can stay little for just a bit longer. And it's okay cry and still be broken about your kids who have passed on no matter what people's opinions are about the grieving process. It's okay to admit that you're not in a good place anymore so you can finally decide to make things better for you. It's okay to be honest about how you feel and follow your natural process in and out of this cycle of heartaches and happiness. 2019 taught me that life is too short to not go for what makes you happy. Life is too short for us not to look into our children's faces and soak in all the innocence and love of toddlerhood. May this year bring you the courage and drive to go for what will truly make your heart flutter ❤️ And may this new decade give you a better perspective on how to be a healthier, happier, and more fulfilled momma. We got this!
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