I asked for a chance to sleep 8 straight hours comfortably—this was not what I had in mind.
Before you go ahead and read the rest of this blog entry, I would just like to stop you in your tracks just in case you were thinking that I am trying to throw a pity party here. I've been hearing mothers everywhere saying that the greatest gift anybody can ever give them is a 24-hour break where they can, maybe, get a much-deserved massage, a hot meal all to themselves, and a straight 8 hours of a good night's sleep. This sounds incredibly simple in theory, but believe me when I say that in reality, it feels like you're asking for the world by wanting this. Motherhood is the motherlode of grit and persistence to the point of complete physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion (please hug your moms a bit tighter today). But mothers don't need pity. I'll tell you what we need — A BREAK. That's what we need.
I prayed to God and asked for a break.
I try to pray every night before I sleep, but have constantly struggled to stay awake, because come on with all that's going on who are we kidding (I'm sorry, God). However, every time I have something really important or heavy that I needed to tell Him, I push myself to stay awake so I could talk to Him. This was one of those moments. I was at this point where it felt like God was the only one who can really give me what I need, and like He's the only one who's able to understand me completely without me having to go into an elaborate explanation of what I feel. I prayed, begged, and cried. I just a needed a break — actually, I only asked for a chance to sleep 8 hours straight. I know not all of us here are religious, but I tell you, my God is a Mighty One and He hears prayers even before the words leave our mouths.
I had abdominal pains WORSE than my 18-hour childbirth labor.
You read that right. The pain was worse than what I went through during my 18-hour labor where I had to deliver a 7-pound baby out of me. I've been having this upper abdominal pain since years before, but it usually just comes and goes. I would get this after having a full meal that's why I've always thought it was just indigestion. However, the pain I went through recently stretched for 3 weeks and it was non-stop. My doctor initially thought it was acid, but when my anti-acid medication started to fail, all it took was a complete abdominal scan to finally figure that what I have is an enormous gallbladder stone stuck in the opening where bile is supposed to flow out of. By the time I was diagnosed, my gallbladder was swollen and I was on the verge of getting an infection. I was set up for a laparoscopic surgery ASAP. They had to remove the stone along with my actual gallbladder right away.
I felt like this was my only chance so I took it.
When I heard my primary care doctor mention surgery, I was all like are you kidding me? Surgeries freak the hell out of me. It's my greatest fear in the world. But it gradually dawned on me that having this surgery would also mean having to stay in the hospital for a couple of days; which meant 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep; not having to make the bed every morning; I can watch Designated Survivor as much as I wanted to without feeling guilty; which also meant people looking after me for a change, and warm food coming in regularly, and me eating without having to leave the bed. I mean, it wasn't what I had in mind but it was my only chance to have the break I asked for so I took it. I'm not gonna lie, I'm probably one of the few freaks who felt over the moon during my first few hours in the hospital. By this time, they've already administered pain medication via IV so I was basically just having a blast in my hospital room watching Netflix while munching on some donuts.
I was having the time of my life then I missed my son terribly after a few hours.
6 hours — it only took 6 hours of rest, peace, and Netflix fun before my brain reminded me of my son who was then with his loving grandma and nanny all safe and sound at home. He's being cared for and loved while I was at the hospital, but as we all know mothers, I had to think about whether or not he's looking for me; is he sad; is he looking for his boobie at night; is he able to sleep without mommy cuddles? It took 6 hours of being admitted in the hospital for a surgery that will save my life before mom-guilt finally settled in again. I felt guilty for watching Netflix in my hospital bed, for enjoying donuts all on my own, and for sleeping as long as I need to while my son sits at home perfectly fine and cared for by people who love him dearly, yet all I could think about was how much he needs me right now and how all this is like an escape from my responsibility.
I tell you this— this is motherhood. You'll get so exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally from being the person who carries the weight of the whole house, all while trying to maintain a successful career and not get fired, to the point where all you'll ever want is to runaway even just for a moment so you can breathe and have peace for once. Then when the universe grants you the break you so deserved you'll get flooded with mom-guilt nonetheless because you've been programmed to never stop working. Perhaps God knew that if He offered me this break any other way I might not even have taken it. Or it may take me a while before I agree to take a break because, real talk, I need to do a whole lot of preps before I can leave the house. So being the Wise God that He is, he just knocked me down right then and there and had me go under the knife again so I'll be compelled to get admitted in the hospital and catch that breath I've been holding off for so long. Here I am, back at my work desk, 7 days post-op. Looking back at the past week, I'm just thankful my gallbladder didn't rupture inside of me and I'm still alive because I cannot imagine not being able to care for my children (human and furballs alike). Looking back, it may not have been the most ideal of scenarios, but I am grateful for that unexpected but very much needed 3 days - 2 nights excursion in the hospital. Also for my gallbladder, thank you for your service ♡
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