Trigger warning: #miscarriage #earlypregnancyloss
Day 1: Feb 18, 2022, Friday
Positive!!! I honestly feel like my eyes were deceiving me. But your tita Micah also thinks there’s a faint positive line and said we might be early on in the pregnancy (I had to chat her up, I have to tell somebody or I will explode). I can’t believe you could really be here. We had to try for 2 years until we got Kuya Mason. This one’s fast. Easy as it seems. I can’t believe it.
Day 2: Feb 19, 2022, Saturday
We had to see our OB today. Doc Jaja said she needs to check if we can already see you in the ultrasound - but you’re not there yet. Or, maybe you’re still too small. It’s so early anyway. Doc said my uterus lining is really very thick, which could mean there’s implantation. But it can also mean I’ll be getting my period soon. But that can’t be, right? Cos I had a positive pregnancy test. It’s faint. But it’s not one line! There are 2!! I know what a negative pregnancy test looks like because I’ve had tons of it when we were trying for Kuya Mason. This isn’t negative, bean. I know you’re here. I just can’t wait to finally see, hear your heartbeat.
Day 4: Feb 21, 2022, Monday
Everything's still surreal. Could it really be true? So far, only our immediate family knows—the same people who've been praying with mommy for you. And Kuya Mason is, well, trying to be a kuya. He's been trying to be very gentle around mommy, especially around my tummy. And he's been talking to you from time to time. Saying good morning and good night.
Day 9: Feb 26, 2022, Saturday
I couldn’t wait for today. It's been a full week since our first pregnancy test and I’ve been counting the days till I can do another. Today, I needed to do another PT to see if the lines get clearer. And they were clearer! But not as clear as when we learned about your kuya Mason. But still, it’s clear as day, I have 2 lines!!! Mommy feels on top of the world. I know you’re here and I wanted you so bad. I prayed and cried hard for you, bean. Doc said she’ll see us again the following week to see how much you’ve progressed so far.
Day 10: Feb 27, 2022, Sunday
I had blood clots in my morning pee today, bean. And there was blood in my underwear. I don’t understand. I got immediately terrified I didn’t know what to do. Dad said I should not move too much. I texted Doc Jaja right away. She said the same thing - that I should not move, that I should stay in bed and continue my medication (folic acid + duphaston). And to not worry too much. But she asked to see me tomorrow. I haven’t cried this much in a long time. I’m just really confused. Feeling over the moon and then seeing blood like I was having a light period when I should be pregnant is not exactly something that would calm you down. They had to leave today for Lolo Papa’s birthday. It was fine. I wanted to be alone anyway so I can fully rest. My anxiety’s so bad. I just stayed in bed and fervently hope the bleeding would stop.
Day 11: Feb 28, 2022, Monday
I had very light bleeding today, bean. I’m trying to be as neutral about this as much as I can cos I’m too scared to have my heart broken. Because, the last time mommy had her heart broken, it wasn’t a pleasant sight or situation. It was so dark I thought I would never see the light of day again. But there’s a speck of light in mommy’s heart that’s shining just for you. I went in and Doc Jaja said she was so worried about us. At first, she couldn’t see anything. She kept looking and looking for any sign of you. My heart was about to sink when she finally saw this tiny little sac. It was a super small dot on the screen. But it was just that—a tiny dot. We couldn’t call you a baby yet, not until we see your heart in there—beating with mine. But it was a tiny dot of hope. Amidst the bleeding, I have this. It’s just a dot, but it could still grow to be something that could potentially change my life again. It could grow to be you. And I can’t wait. But for now, this bleeding has to stop. Hang on tight for me, bean.
Day 12: Mar 1, 2022, Tuesday
We had to get my blood tested today, bean. This would confirm if I am indeed pregnant or if this was just chemical—a chemical pregnancy, that’s what our doctor said it could be. And I might be crazy giving you a nickname this early and installing a pregnancy tracker app on my phone, and searching for possible names that would go well with Brooklyn. I mean, wanting something so bad can make people crazy sometimes. Unfortunately, I still have to wait for 3 days to get the result of my beta HCG test. I hate all the waiting. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from being a mama, it’s that the best things really come from the hard, heart-pounding waits. I’m still bleeding lightly. I honestly don’t want to look down there anymore cos every time I look there’s blood. And I hate it. Like, how can you be okay there with all this blood coming out? Are you okay in there, bean? Are you actually there?
Day 13: Mar 2, 2022, Wednesday
I was supposed to report onsite today, bean. But of course, mommy chose to stay home and still move less. However, our beta HCG results came back early today and Doc Jaja said the levels are too low to be considered “pregnant”. She didn’t say much. Just that: not pregnant. Or is it not pregnant “anymore”? Were you ever with me, bean? I think at this point, all I could muster are pointless questions because I have no clue how to navigate this. Did I just miscarry? I think I did. We saw you, or what was supposed to be you in the ultrasound—no matter how tiny, you were there. But now the blood levels say you’re not. Or maybe it was just all an illusion from my end—because I wanted you so much.
In God’s perfect time. I hear this far too often. Maybe it really wasn’t God’s perfect time yet. But that doesn’t change how much I needed, wanted you. The timing may not make sense to some. Our living conditions actually don’t make sense to your grandparents cos our new house apparently has "a lot of stairs." And Kuya Mason may not even be 100% ready to be a big brother. A lot of things may not make sense right now, but wanting you in my life—to me—doesn’t have to make full sense, because I just do. I want you. I want to have another baby! We’re going to do another pregnancy test this weekend just to get some sort of closure I guess.
But for what it’s worth, these past 13 days reminded me how much my heart was ready for you, regardless of how messy the world is right now, or what other people think about our stairs or whatever. The past 13 days showed me how much I love this experience more than anything and how I won’t trade it for the world despite how sensitive my pregnancy may seem. It’s been nice seeing you, or a glimpse of you, or what you could’ve become from that faint positive line and that very tiny dot on the screen 🖤
We all have our ways of dealing with things, especially grief. Pregnancy loss no matter how early or late the stage, is a deeply personal experience. And this is the only way that makes sense to me right now. My heart goes to all women going through something similar. If you have someone to talk to, reach out to them. Or not. Just try to make sure you process what you're going through because although we have different thresholds in dealing with pregnancy loss — this shit's not easy.
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