You were born to fetch my heart and own it—all of it.
TRIGGER WARNING: The following entry deals with pet loss/bereavement.
This is one of those things you wish you never get to write, but here I am trying to muster all the strength to pull this through. We all have our ways of dealing with grief, and I guess this is mine—as I try my best to make sense of a life without my eldest child. And that meant touching on all these fresh wounds. I mean, where do I even begin?
You were meant to turn mommy's life around.
To be honest, I think God meant for dogs to just be dogs and be happy. But deep in my heart, I know that God wrote both of our life stories intending to really put us together because He knew perfectly that I needed you more than you needed me. You came at a time in my life when I was in this really dark place and I didn't think I could make it out alive. The timing of your birth was incredible, and you literally pulled me out of that sullen hole effortlessly with your trademark puppy eyes and my most favorite doggy smile in the world. I'm still not sure how those two could be so powerful at turning people's emotions around, but you did it so easily, something nobody else could ever do. Your eyes and your smile have since then became my ultimate weaknesses, and you knew from the beginning that you held all of mommy's heart in your hands and that I could never ever say no to you.
I never saw Jarvis as a house pet. From the moment I laid my eyes on him and my mother-in-law said he was mine, he became my child. I'm his mommy and he's my baby. He's not just my dog. He owned my pillows, my food, my bed—heck, he owned my house—because he's my kid and I gave him the right to everything I own, just how all my other kids (present and future) do. I don't expect everybody to understand the kind of relationship we had but love is love. We embrace the kind of love we need this world to have.
People always said that it's our job as humans to save animals and make sure they live a quality life, but I've always felt like it was you who saved me. I'd probably still be that anxious, sleeping-pill-dependent, dysfunctional sulker if it weren't for you. You came rushing into my life tail wagging along with your ever so bright eyes and soft puppy kisses as if telling me mommy mommy I'm here now, everything's going to be fine. And you did! My life was completely turned when you came, that's why I'm at a complete loss at what to do with myself now that you're gone. How is mommy ever going to be okay again?
You taught me that there should be no limit to how much we love.
People have always been about having reservations and protecting the heart yada, yada, yada. However, having you and your furry brothers taught me that if we strip away all the judgment and preconceived notions of what a relationship should be, love is all that remains. You taught me that love was never supposed to be complicated. It is waiting ever so patiently for the one you love to walk in that door no matter how long they've been away. It is about never holding a grudge even when that person accidentally steps on your toes sometimes, or forgets to give you treats or take you on walks as promised. It is putting somebody else's happiness above yours without asking and expecting for anything in return—plain and simple.
From day 1, I've always felt like it was your goal to make me happy. I am not sure if there's anything about the way I look or whether it's the sound of my laughter or squeals, but it was like you get a high from it and you kept doing it over and over. You just won't quit making mommy happy. I also don't know how you learned it, but you knew at an early age that I needed a bit of pressure on my chest to calm down and eventually drift to sleep, so you've always done that when it's time for bed—especially during the more difficult nights. For some reason, you also knew at an early age when mommy's upset and you'd take it away instantly with your puppy kisses.
There were days when I'd be so guilty leaving you and Rocket home alone whenever dad and I have to go out. Or when I take you to the doctor for check-ups or vaccines just because I know how much you hate it being there. There were many times I questioned myself whether I was sensitive enough, whether I made you happy, or if I was always there when you needed me. I worried so much whether I was a good mommy to you because you've been nothing but the most perfect, most loving furchild I never knew I'd have. And you loved me. No ifs, no buts, no judgments. You just loved mommy and made me happy every single day.
I never wanted to make you feel alone.
The hardest part for me was bringing you to that hospital and accepting the fact that I had to leave you there because you needed close medical attention. You've always been scared of hospitals and medical staff in uniform so I completely felt your anxiety and the worst part was that I had to leave you there because it was the right thing to do. Mommy had to save you. I know you panicked and worried during your first night there, but I had to visit you and stay with you for at least an hour every night after work just to let you know that mommy's never gonna abandon you there. You eventually calmed down after a few days, but you've always panicked every time they needed to do a procedure. It crushes me more, up to this day, that I wasn't there for all those things to hold you and let you know that mommy's here, everything's gonna be okay. You've always had me, anak. Making you feel alone is the last thing I ever wanna do in life that's why I asked all the medical staff who took care of you to handle you a little bit gentler and to always talk to you a little bit softer. I wish I also told all of them to constantly whisper in your ear that your mommy loves you so much, and she's gonna be here tonight as always to hold you and give you kisses.
Jarvis had this rare autoimmune condition, which made his immune system fight off his own blood. He suffered a complication on his tongue, which eventually made it difficult for him to eat, drink, and breathe. I was there every night to hold him tight and give him kisses regardless how vulnerable he looked. I brought him his own bedding and his favorite fetch ball so his hospital kennel will feel a bit more like home. I just wanted to bring him back home each time, but what should a mom like me do when we all knew it was his best chance to stay there under the care of the best doctors in the city?
I hated myself so much at one point that I needed to go to work or do other things when you needed me—honestly, I still hate myself at this point. Why can't I just be there with you so you won't be scared? So that even when you knew you needed to go with Jesus, I was there so we could've told each other I love you one last time? You've been there for me even you had to wait for me for 9+ hours before I come home from work every day. You were always there. I should've been there with you no matter what.
I'd do it all over if that's the only way I get to hold you again.
It was only when you and your twin brother were around a year old when I realized that while having you is one of the most wonderful things in the world, it also kinda means signing up to an inevitable heartache since no matter what I do, I know I'll probably outlive you. I tried preparing myself emotionally for that kind of future, but I never thought it would be this soon. Four years is such a short time. There were so many things I wanted us to do together, so many Christmases to celebrate, and so many adventures I wanted to go to just because I know we'll all be there as a family.
How will it ever get easier when I always search for your smile and your sunny presence in every corner of the house; when I yearn for you to bolt through the door every time I get home; and when I wait up for you every day to kiss me good morning? Will this pain ever go away when I now only have to put down 2 food bowls instead of 3, and when I throw your ball and nobody excitedly runs to fetch it anymore like you did because fetch is OUR game—it was always you and me, and no matter how much I teach your brothers, I don't think anybody can play it better than you do. You were my best friend—like our souls were always meant to be together. It's always been you and me, and I'd take this pain again if that means I get to have those 4 years back. I'd shake heaven and earth to get you away from any medical condition so you won't get sick again if mommy gets a second chance with you. I'd give anything to hold you again, and look into your bright, loving eyes and tell you how much mommy loves you.
Mommy's gonna be okay, but mommy's never gonna be the same.
The past few weeks were the toughest. It sometimes feels like a literal stabbing pain against my chest, a feeling so raw and difficult I could never wish it upon my enemy. Knowing you, you hated seeing mommy down and depressed, so mom and dad try our best every day to carry on so it won't also be hard for you to run free. I had to at least try to make sense of the pain because mommy's so terrified to suffer a total nervous breakdown in front of your brothers—you know that all 3 of your brothers are total babies, so they need mommy to be as put together as possible. You've always been the smartest and the most independent so I know you get mommy perfectly. BUT it's just so hard, anak.
You came home this weekend and mommy's still trying to grasp the reality that that's you inside that box—that this is all what's left of you for me to hold. I don't see a clear end to this dark haze I'm currently in, but mommy promises that I'll be kind to myself. I'll be patient as I try my best every day to be bigger than my pain, and I'll always try to remember that our love for each other is forever bigger than how all this unfolded.
My heart yearns for you.
There's nothing I want more this very moment than to hold you close, see your bright smile - your trademark head tilt that has always made mommy happy, and feel your soft hair against my face again.
I seek your smile in every corner of our house, your happy dance whenever I come home from work, your eagerness to finish the food I prepare for you with my bare hands, your kisses whenever I retire for bed every night, the way you whine whenever you want me to get your fetch ball so we can play, and just your presence in itself—just you being there. I know I'll see light again past this darkness at one point. I know that some day, I'll look into your brothers' eyes and I'll feel the same sunshine you brought into my life again. But until then, mommy's gonna nurse her broken heart patiently, just like how you've always been so patient with me when I prepare your leash for our afternoon walkies. Mommy's gonna be fine some day, but I'm never gonna be the same—not until I get to hold you again on the other side of life.
Losing Jarvis is an excruciating process where I ended up ultimately convinced that there's something beyond this life—there has to be. Because that's the only promise I could hold on to that tells me I get to be with my baby again someday.
You've always had a hold of mommy's heart in your soft, tiny paws, Jarvis Rex. You will forever do regardless of the fact that we're now in two different sides of this universe. You are mine and I am yours in whatever form, dimension, or reality. Thank you for being mommy's ultimate best boi for 4 years, baby. This is how you are kept in mommy's heart from this day until I get to hold you in my arms again ♡
Losing a loved one is a deep and profound experience, and we all have our own ways to process the difficult emotions that come with it. Writing things down is mine. Apart from this, I find that understanding my own emotional and mental tendencies also help in allowing my family to support me in this process; because if I'm being honest with myself, losing Jarvis is something I won't survive alone.
If you also just lost someone dear or is not fully over your grieving process, I send you virtual hugs and comforting prayers. I'm with you. Please also know that grief is a very personal process and there's no standard timeline for it. Take your time, be kind and patient with yourself, and know that all this pain ultimately comes from a place with so much love.
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