A part of me that feels like I should be staying at home with my kid instead of working.
I've always known I was going to be a career-woman growing up. I've always loved working and being productive, and I loved the idea of having my own work desk in an office, contributing to something big in the society. At the same time, I've also always known I'd have children and I couldn't imagine a life without my own family. Back then I was convinced this was possible—that I can have a successful career while having kids of my own. Then BAM! here I am with my current reality hitting me hard straight in the face.
I feel like my baby needs me more than anything or anyone.
When I gave birth to my firstborn, the overwhelming love was instant. He was suddenly my whole world and I am his. There was nothing I won't do for him. I would lay my life on the line for him - not to be overly dramatic, but it was literally that enormous. He needs me tremendously and I loved that he does. It's probably my naturally-maternal inclinations, but it felt good to be needed that way. However by the time I was supposed to get back to work, my baby didn't need me less. If anything, it felt like he needed me most whenever it was time for me to walk out the door. These days, my son stays with my god-sent, totally amazing mother-in-law while I'm at work. But that doesn't go without comments from well-meaning people about how hard it probably is to leave my baby under somebody else's care. Because while my MIL is family, it's still not the same as me taking care of my own child. It's true. It is difficult. For 9 hours every day, I attend meetings, work on my computer, and do presentations all while keeping my son at the back of my head thinking did he eat well, is he napping, is he getting along with mama's dogs, is he crying, why would he be crying, did he get hurt from horsing around, do they understand his cues - it never stops. Above all, I could never silence this voice in my head that keeps saying how much my son needs me. That he might be wondering where I'm gone and why I'm not there with him during most of the day. He's too young to understand and I'm not even sure if he ever will because the rest of the world, obviously, still don't understand.
It feels like I'm choosing paid labor over motherhood.
As we already know, motherhood is probably the hardest unpaid labor there is in the world. But while you don't get paid actual money, you earn this incomparable sense of fulfillment from seeing your kid happy, safe, contented, and secure - which for me is already treasure on its own. And here I am unable to give up my career because 1) our current circumstances don't allow me to lose my source of funds, and 2) I simply can't because I feel like it's part of my system - it's part of who I am. So partly, yeah, it's all about the money. Because money allows me and my husband to put a roof over our child's head and food on our table every day. It also allows us to save up for the many other things that will secure my son's future. Nothing will ever compare to the fulfillment I get whenever I'm able to care for my kid on my own, but if I am able to help make his life better and more comfortable by working a 9-hour day job 5 days a week, I'd do it. This guilt is obviously the price I have to pay for not being there 9 hours a day. But it's never simply choosing paid work over the nobleness of being a stay-at-home mom. It's sacrificing those precious hours that could've been spent watching his milestones unfold, hearing him recite his ABCs for the first time, his first dance moves just so we can provide him the comfortable life he deserves. I've heard this tons of times but I know that my baby only needs ME, and that having a simpler life won't matter to him (at least just yet). But it matters to me that he is comfortable wherever he is and that he's safe and has access to quality healthcare, and his future is secure. If I am in any way capable to make sure he gets all those; and if it means I have to work to make that happen, of course I'd do it.
Staying at home with my kid is 10x harder than my desk job.
To be completely truthful, while my work as an editor requires intense mental energy daily, it doesn't get close to how completely exhausting full-time childcare is. I've cared for my baby full-time during my maternity leave and in-between nannies, and I still do during weekends, and it literally is non-stop labor—24/7. Unfortunately for an exclusively breastfeeding mom like me, the work doesn't stop even when I shut my eyes at night. I need to be half-asleep the entire time since my baby dream-feeds (he basically reaches out to breastfeed, eyes still closed, every 2-3 hours at night). The upside is that my son never really had a bad night, except for the occasional colds and fevers. But this also meant my work as a mother literally never stops. The 9 hours I get every week day to sit on my desk at work is the only sort of break I get from that cycle. When times get extra tough at home, it sometimes almost feels like an escape and it has always given me this bitter taste in my mouth and this gut-wrenching sense of guilt every single time. But that doesn't mean I hate being a mom. In fact, I love it and I wanted it all my life. I love my son more than my own life and he is my entire world. But this is me being a truthful human being, telling the world that I also get tired. And if my work is the only chance to sanity I have left, I'd take it—at least I get paid while doing so. The guilt never really goes away, but I have come to accept that ultimately, my baby needs me to be whole, peaceful, and sane so I can take care of him better. It took my baby a while to get used to seeing me leave every morning. And it's usually harder on me whenever I feel like he didn't miss me enough. I sometimes still wish he'll cry whenever I walk out the door. I will never be ready for my son to not need me anymore.
My respect for stay-at-home moms just went over and beyond after having my own kid and knowing what it's really like to be responsible for the well-being of a tiny, fragile human being. But motherhood is something I won't trade for anything. I love being a mommy. However, we are different mommas with varying parenting styles, careers, personalities, and circumstances. What keeps me sane may be different from what keeps other mommies on their feet, and what works for my family may not exactly be the ideal set-up for other families. One of the most important and painful things I've learned in motherhood is that, no matter how hard we try, mom-guilt will always be there. So while we can't completely be devoid of guilt, I guess we'll just have to be more kind to each other and forgiving to ourselves because we're all doing our best to wing this thing and keep our children alive. Come whatever, I know all our choices come from a place of love because that's what motherhood has always been about ♡
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