#YayaProblems nowadays, they're messier and more serious than you think.
My son is barely a year old and we've already had 3 different yayas who came in and out of the house. It's something you always hear about when you're single - may it be from friends, relatives, or plain strangers venting out on Facebook. You hear all these moms ranting about how their house-helps left them without saying a word, or how their yayas asked for a sum of money and never came back from the province after what's supposed to be a 5-day vacation only. Their struggles are so real yet, of course naturally, as a single woman you remain oblivious to how huge a predicament it actually is.
I am a mother to a now 8-month old baby boy. I am in no way an expert parent or an expert house-help employer. Everything I went through in the past 8 months, I experienced for the first time in my life. But honestly, what I went through this past few months feels like A LOT. It was a whirlwind of emotions, struggles, and physical pains and quite frankly I am not sure how I was able to keep myself sane through all of it. All I know is that I was also able to learn a lot in that short span of time. It felt like a lifetime of learning and wake-up-calls though I know there's still a ton to learn. And now that I'm a working mom myself, I've had my share of yaya horror stories and boy, they were way, way bigger and more serious than I thought. Here's a few of the things I've learned so far that I hope could somehow give other first-time-moms, or mommas-to-be insight about the modern-day yaya problem.
The mom-guilt remains the same with or without a yaya.
Mommies feel guilty if they choose to work and leave the kids to caregivers because it's supposed to be the mom's job to watch after the kids 24/7 and attend to their needs. Says who though? THE SOCIETY. Being at work feels like a sacrifice everyday as you tend to miss out on important milestones that could happen any time while you're not home. Just the thought of missing my baby's first smile in the morning, his laughs, his giggles, even his cries in between feels like a stab on my chest every single day. But at the same time, mommies also feel guilty for choosing to stay at home and not hire any house help (hence giving up on careers) because college degrees would then seem useless. It also doesn't help to feel like a burden to your working partner who had to shoulder all the financial obligations of the household. In short, motherhood in this day and age is more like a double-edged sword. There just seems to be no easy way. No matter what you choose, it's still gonna be hard and you'll still feel guilty.
Trusting a stranger to care for your kids is a LEAP of faith.
I could never emphasize enough how serious of a matter this is. I used to have a very shallow understanding of what 'entrusting your child's welfare to a stranger' means, but today I had to learn all about it the hard way. TRUST has become a much larger and more serious deal to me ever since I started hiring house helps and caregivers. After the first two months of caring for my son full-time, it was so difficult to even think of leaving him at the care of someone I'm meeting for the first f*ck*ng time in life. I mean, who knows what this person is capable of doing? Will she be able soothe my crying baby? Will she know what my baby needs exactly? Will she have enough patience to keep it together if the baby won't stop crying. Thankfully, my son's a relatively easy baby to handle. But despite this, I had to hear one of my worst fears as a mom at one point: that a previous yaya almost tried to hurt him. I'm glad that yaya's out of our house now, but that knowledge almost crushed me. I am battling anxiety every day and knowing my son almost got hurt, in all his innocence and helplessness, just took my anxiety to a whole new level.
Bad yaya experiences take a toll on your emotional and mental health.
One of our previous yayas was very good. She was very soft spoken, always smiles and shares light but meaningful conversations with us. She cares not just for my son, but also shows genuine concern for the entire household (even our furballs). She was very good with my baby and never fails to do her share of the household chores. However, she had to leave due to health concerns. She's 55 years old and above everything, we also care for her health and well-being so we let her go. Her leaving made me really sad and worried. She set the bar quite high enough for me to fear we will never have another one as good as her. Then came my baby's next carer. She's 19 years old. And while we were happy with her energy around the house - does more house work even while caring for my son - we felt like she never really connected with us. Cutting the long story short, she asked for a salary advance and vacation with a promise to return only to leave us like that without saying anything (salary advance + vacation = not a good combination). All this happened in just a span of 3 months. It was a confusing and a really stressful time and I couldn't count the times I cried to my husband out of exhaustion and anxiety. When you're a mom, worrying is like second nature. But when you're a mom dealing with anxiety every day, things like this trigger very powerful emotions and can easily destabilize you while you're juggling all the regular mommy tasks you need to face. I've had several episodes of panic attacks and I'm just thankful to the heavens my husband was always there with me to hold my hand. That's when I really accepted that this shit is serious. My worries were on another level: what if I never find a trustworthy carer for my son? Will I have to quit work? How are we going to deal with our finances? Are we going to lose the house? Where are we going to live—all these thoughts stemming from a bad yaya experience.
You will have serious self-doubts whenever a yaya leaves.
When I hired my son's first yaya, the principle I tried to live by was the Golden Rule: that you should not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you (your family, especially your child). But what I learned (the hard way) is that you can never really expect other people to be nice, honest, and respectful of you just because you're good to them. The hardest part was when you give so much of yourself in the hopes of getting at least a decent amount of respect and concern in return. What I've learned is that when hiring house-help, you shouldn't give 100% of yourself right away (or ever) because there won't be anything left of yourself once the yaya goes away - pretty much like love (eww, sorry). Regardless if the yaya's been good or not-so, you will always question yourself whether you've talked to them enough, if there was ever a time you talked to them too harshly, whether you unintentionally gave them a look they didn't like, or maybe you don't serve enough food on the table among many other things. In short, you will question yourself. No matter how much you give of yourself, you will have self-doubts because hiring house-help still means forming a relationship with another human being. And human relations are complicated and heartbreaking.
You'll be jaded after a while.
At one point, you will just feel numb from all the bad yaya experiences. It's traumatic on a certain degree, and I'm not exaggerating. You may even question humanity - like why people would intentionally betray you after you show them kindness. And once a good yaya finally comes in, you're already too cold to see the light. The yaya that came to us recently just seems perfect. She came from my mom's province and my mom knows her by name. Not just my mom but most of my mom's relatives too - which means she's not much of a stranger to us, and if by any chance she ever does something, she knows my entire clan will come after her (I'm exaggerating). My baby's new yaya is so motherly, she has the same accent as my mom which gives her an even more homey vibe to me, she does her share of the household work, and she cooks so well (she's the only yaya who ever cooked for us without us asking). She even takes care of us despite making it clear with her from the beginning that the baby's her sole responsibility plus a few little house chores, nothing else. In short, she so good. Too good to be true even. I'm this kind of person now. This yaya might be the one for us finally, but I couldn't accept that fully cause now, I'm always looking for the catch. She's too good so there must be something off with her that I'm not seeing yet. I just can't find it in myself anymore to be 100% happy and trusting despite her being such a good and caring person.
I still don't know what's with the current generation's house-help and childcare problem. I've only known 3 yayas my entire life who looked after me and my siblings and all 3 of them stayed with us for years and years only leaving out of old age. I've theorized in my head that maybe people are being more dedicated today to finishing school and taking more technical, higher-paying careers hence the current shortage for house-helps. I don't like to discriminate so maybe that's a good thing for the country. But when there's no one else to look after your baby while you're at work, you simply won't help but wish there are more people who are still willing and are wholeheartedly committed to caring for families professionally like before. What I do know is that above all else, while our ability to trust may be jaded overtime, our ability to show respect and genuine kindness and compassion to another human being should not. Finding the right yaya for your family is perhaps like finding your soul mate. The process could leave you heartbroken so many times, but when the perfect person comes, everything will just fall into place. I'd say stay cautious but never lose faith, momma ♡
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