Do we really lose part of ourselves to motherhood? Where does that person disappear to? Do we get her back?
This has to be one of the saddest pieces I ever had to write. But in a year of being a mother, I've learned that part of motherhood is understanding how to make sense of all your crazy emotions may it be joy, gratitude, exhaustion, or loneliness.
Before I became a mother to my beautiful son, my days revolve around my work, my marriage, our house, our dogs, and my social life. It's not the most exciting of lifestyles, but it was fun and I loved that life. It was light and easy and I had a routine that works perfectly for me. I also had all my time to myself and I was able to see my friends anytime I wanted to. I was there at parties and events, and I was there to travel with them anytime we wished to do so. My husband and I also had a lot of time to ourselves to get intimate and go on dates, travel, watch movies, and do anything we want whether at home or anywhere else. Then came our miracle.
Amidst all the pre-baby marital bliss, we were actually praying for a baby for quite sometime. We've been to a fertility doctor to get help conceiving and we really prayed hard for it. Then there he came, our gorgeous, sweet little baby boy, drowning us in all this overwhelming wonder and love. I was over the moon. But I was also under so much physical pain, exhaustion, and emotional confusion that all came with motherhood. It was awesome. Allow me to further process what this means to me in the following points.
I was completely aware of the change that was happening.
Unlike some who may have gotten surprised that they were suddenly a different person, I watched and felt myself - with complete self awareness - change into this new person. It somewhat felt like I was being squeezed and stretched and molded into a different kind of individual, and that process was physical, emotional, and extremely mental. I was completely conscious about all that change like I was on some drugs or something. It was an enlightening experience but it was also overwhelming to say the least. I am not sure what makes us mothers feel things at certain extents, but I guess I was just the type who always tends to FEEL EVERYTHING.
It didn't feel like a part of myself went away—I was changed into this whole new person.
I've heard so many mothers say that to them, motherhood meant letting go of their old selves - like that part of themselves just leaves them never to return. I've always pictured this as seeing my younger, more carefree, and less tired self moving forward, leaving my current overwhelmed version behind. However, upon experiencing it myself, it felt more like changing into a whole new person. Meaning this is still the same me. The younger, less tired version of myself never left but was instead transformed into this woman who's learned so much about grit, resilience, patience, and selflessness. I can still feel the young me inside, but the mother me now takes control. From time to time, the young me would remind about the things I used to love, but the mother me would always nudge towards this reality that I have a different set of priorities and responsibilities now and that I am already in the next phase of my life. I sometimes hate saying my life changed as it's so easy to resent changes. I'd refer to it more like transitioning to the next phase, this way it becomes easier for me to embrace the transformation as I am reminded that this is still me - I am just moving on to a whole new chapter.
I miss the person I was before motherhood, but that person would be so proud and happy at who I have now become.
Sure I still have days where I wonder how it's like to go back to my old lifestyle and do the things I used to love. I miss going out with friends to just get coffee or have spontaneous movie dates on weekends. I miss doing my nails every Sunday night to make sure I have pretty tips as I start a new work week. I miss late night movie and series marathons with my husband over beer and chips. I sometimes still think how it would be like to go on adventures with my friends and not think about responsibilities for a while. However, looking at everything I have now: my beautiful baby, my wonderful dogs, my cozy apartment, my loving and supportive husband, our happy home - I am reminded that amidst all the adventurousness and spontaneity, I actually prayed for everything that I have now. These are the deepest desires of my heart and I have them now. Looking back, I know my old self would shed tears of joy if she knew this is where she's headed. I am certain she will be proud at the home I was able to build for myself and the fact that I embraced this change with my whole heart.
I think mothers don't get enough credit for surviving this transition. I mean, we all hear dads get praised a lot just for being able to change their baby's diapers, or for staying up at night to help their wives put the baby to sleep, or for staying home for whatever daddy duty they have to do. But for women, these things are natural. And it's like we shouldn't expect any form of recognition since this is basically part of who we are. But let me just say this. This thing we got here, this thing we're going through, is no easy feat. Quite honestly, it's one of the most difficult adjustments I ever had to do (to think I am considered maternal by most of my friends). But I think what this all proves is that mothers are ridiculously strong people. We had to go through this tough transition because the universe needs to make us worthy of this badge we now wear. WE ARE MOTHERS. Our little ones come to us for comfort, security, wisdom, and love that's why we all need to be upgraded to a tougher, grittier, more loving and selfless versions of our younger selves. And that change also meant changing our habits, our routines, and our priorities. We don't have to say goodbye to our old selves, because those young, beautiful girls were never gone. They were transformed to play a bigger, more wonderful, and meaningful purpose. WE ARE MOTHERS NOW ♡
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