My baby hasn't had a single ounce of formula since he was born, but that's not to say I had an easy time. Here are all the reasons why breastfeeding is hard AF.
Breastfeeding is one of those things that I pictured so beautifully in my head before I became a mother. I've always thought of it being natural, easy, beautiful, and peaceful. But all that vision completely changed when I started breastfeeding my firstborn.
It was beautiful and natural—then all of a sudden it wasn't.
I was very fortunate to give birth in a hospital (The Medical City Ortigas) and be in the company of an awesome birthing team who are fervent advocates of breastfeeding. When I gave birth via emergency CS in 2017, one of the things that helped me calm down despite my immense fear of major surgeries is the fact that once my baby's out, I know that he will immediately be placed on my chest and he will latch (per hospital protocol). This was also the most important thing to me—immediate skin-to-skin and latching. I was committed to breastfeeding my baby from the start. I knew I might have to give him formula at one point, but I never saw myself not breastfeeding at all. His first latch was perfect. He knew exactly how to get the milk out and he immediately made my colostrum flowing! The nurses were surprised at the amount of my let down considering it's my first time. I was over the moon! I told myself we're gonna have a blast. He was immediately roomed in and we breastfed on demand. It was magical holding him up close and watching him feed like a champ on his first day out in the world. But after a just few hours, I was in pain and in tears. My nipples were suddenly cracked, raw, and wounded. To be quite honest, this experience was more painful than my labor! I curled up and cried in pain whenever he latched, and at one point I actually gave up and asked my nurses for formula. I was in so much pain due to my wounded nipples and milk build up in both boobs—all while nursing a fresh CS incision. Nurses came to my aid and encouraged me to keep going. I kept saying it's so painful but they demonstrated hand expression and showed me that I have so much milk which is basically their kind way of saying YOU HAVE MILK momma, you can't stop now. That was actually the push I needed to soldier on. I felt so ashamed of myself for wanting to quit out of pain. I was able to keep going with this thought in my head: My wounds will heal, my pain will go, but if I stop now my milk production could stop altogether and I may never get to experience breastfeeding my baby ever again.
I had to embrace a life without a schedule.
I am an INFJ mom. And if you're familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality classification, you know that each personality type has an individual set of strengths and weaknesses (know which type of personality you have here). One of the strengths of an INFJ person is the pursuit of order and perfection. When it comes to work and productivity, this sure is an advantage. But when it comes to being a mom, this becomes a problem. One of the hardest things for me to embrace and accept when I became a mom was the fact that there could never be order or routine in my life ever again. That's the thing. I LOVE ORDER. I love it when I do things according to schedule, when things are organized, and when things roll out as planned. When I became a mom and committed myself to breastfeed my baby on demand, nothing was on schedule anymore. I had to live my life in 2-3 hour increments and have my day revolve around my baby's nap time routine. And if you know anything about babies, you know that their nap times and disposition can get really unpredictable. In short, nothing was according to my time and organization anymore. I felt like all of a sudden, I lost control of my life. And it was an extremely mental and emotional torture for someone obsessed with organization and planning like myself. In terms of being present in the outside world, this also meant many things. This meant that I couldn't just leave the house anytime I wanted to since I have to make sure I leave enough milk for my baby and someone's actually looking after him for me (before hiring house help). This also meant that I can't just welcome visitors anytime as my house was a complete mess during the first few months - I could barely keep my hair properly combed. Lastly, this also meant I couldn't just bring my baby anywhere as I need to make sure the place has a mom's room, has space for strollers, and is basically breastfeeding safe. In other words, everything that I had to do I had to plan according to my baby's feeding, napping schedule, and needs.
There's incredible pressure on mothers to breastfeed.
Trying to keep a steady amount of breastmilk let down is a difficult feat in itself. FYI, not all female boobs produce adequate breastmilk. Some may be gifted, but a lot of other mothers had to cry it out while hand expressing and power-pumping just to meet their babies' growing milk demand. I myself had to take lactation boosters at some point as my milk production dipped due to fatigue. And when your baby's in the first crucial months, when milk is all s/he consumes, it's so easy to feel paranoid that you won't produce enough milk and your baby will starve. And being a mother in this day and age of social media doesn't exactly make things easier. Instead of empowering each other, a lot of moms get bashed, questioned, and discriminated against for not being able to breastfeed or for choosing to feed their babies with formula instead. I am a committed breastfeeding momma, but I also believe that it's the mommy's choice whether to breastfeed her baby or feed with formula. Both means FEEDING THE BABY PROPERLY. I just feel like it will make things a lot easier if we don't have this kind of pressure on our shoulders as it adds to the overall psychological burden of having to deal with unwarranted opinion and criticism. I believe It's enough that we know our choices and we know the advantages and disadvantages of both options. #FEDisBEST but also let's please help #NormalizeBreastfeeding.
With breastfeeding, much like all my other experiences as a ftm, it's really only until I experienced it on my own that I realized how genuinely raw and challenging it is. Social media has allowed all of us to peek into the lives of others and gave us an avenue to throw opinions and criticisms here and there that are not always asked for. I just wish that at least between us moms, we get to be kinder to each other, be more compassionate, encouraging, and understanding because we're all going through the same struggles. And someone who's already struggling doesn't deserve more rocks to dodge. Breastfeeding is hard AF. And I think if we moms start emulating what it means to be kind and empathic about our individual journeys, the world may follow suit. ♡
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